Interesting Weekend

It's 6 a.m. and I've been up for hours due to strange dreams about my brother and waking up to full on panic attacks.  Something is about to break...I can sense it.  Hopefully it's just my mind getting ready to do everything that's necessary right now to be successful.  I just wish I knew what the next step was.

Does LinkedIn work?  I checked my email and a friend added me to her network.  It was an old profile I set up the last time I was out of work, so I decided to go on and update everything, join some groups, try some networking.  I guess we'll see.  I've never had anyone tell me that they've found a job or success through LinkedIn, but it's certainly worth a shot.

I'm always on the razor's edge between success and total failure.  Most of the time I feel like I'm teetering to the wrong side.  I have little guidance...not many people to talk to about things, people to bounce ideas off of, people to help point me in the right direction.  I spend a lot of time just thinking and planning to myself, not really having any idea where I'm going or what the consequences of my actions might be down the road.  Right now, I just have so many situations that I don't have any idea how to control, fix, or deal with in general.  It's frustrating and creates a lot of anxiety for me...something that's not good for my psychological well being.  We all have our issues, and mine are well documented.  I've lived a really interesting life so far.  If I wrote some of this stuff down, most people wouldn't believe it.  Even the people who are close to me would have a hard time with it. 

I try not to be one of those ego-centric people who think that the world revolves around me and that the story of my life somehow impacts everyone I know.  I'm fully aware that we all have our own stories and that there are plenty out there way more successful and interesting than mine.  I'm simply stating that the list of things I've done with the backdrop of all the things that have happened to me in my life creates a very interesting story.  Quite honestly, it's amazing that I'm still alive, so it's hard to get down about things.  Right now, though, I'm finding it really difficult to be positive. 

Things obviously change when you get married.  For all intents and purposes I've been married to Dena for way longer than just the year it's been official.  I try hard to put her first and to do what's in the best interest of our shared life together.  I thought that taking the time now, while we don't have children, to start my own business...something I've always wanted to do...would be a great way to help ensure our financial future and give our future family the kind of life it deserves...the kind of life every man wants to provide for his family.  Unfortunately, I picked a bad time.  Teachers in her district don't get paid over the summer. 

So, what now?  I'm looking for a job...any job, really...but it's not really happening right now.  I've felt the full impact of this economic downturn, having been laid off from several jobs due to the financial constraints and downsizing.  I'm hoping that things turn around.  I know they will.  It's just that right now it's getting harder and harder to keep my chin up.  I've been in bigger pickles than this, but it's not just about me anymore.  I can't just quietly soldier through knowing that at some point I'll figure it out and things will be okay.  I have to solve the problems, and I have to do it now.