I'm excited for the coming weekend, but at the same time anxious. I, along with many others, have put a lot of time, energy, and other resources into this project we call Windsor Regiment. This weekend we begin our spring/summer season with our first drill rehearsal. We'll be welcoming new members as well. How many? We'll see.
I've been doing this a long time and over time I've deadened my passion and love for the activity. I've become jaded to a certain degree and I've consciously or subconsciously prevented myself from falling in love with it every year; opening my heart and giving in to the amazing connective nature of the activity. I admitted as much to the horn line last year at the other team, and by jumping in the line I was able to recapture some of it. I've been doing it all wrong since I stepped off the podium as a drum major.
The fact is, I can't conduct like that anymore. I'm receiving treatment for back and severe shoulder issues 3 times a week because of years of violent conducting. I wasn't exactly an orchestral conductor. Since high school, I allowed the music and the energy and the connection between the members all performing in unison to flow through me, and I tried to emulate through my conducting the passion and power that I was getting from them. It was a reciprocal relationship. It was exhausting and it took its toll physically, because there was no fear...no holding back when I was up there. Every rep, every show, 100% because that's what I expected of my members.
Since stepping down I've found it difficult to transition to the role of an instructor. Insecurity in my role and doubt that my message is reaching the membership is to blame...well, I'm to blame for listening to that crap.
In 2011 I find myself in a new situation, a new corps, a new way of doing things. I arranged the music for the show, which has allowed me to become emotionally invested in a way I haven't been able to be in years past. The creative element, for me, is crucial. I'm responsible for creating my own system and my own way of doing things, instead of being handed a proven program and having to run it that way. It really is a new animal, and I find myself excited to get started.
I'm anxious because I'm going to show up on Saturday morning and open my heart to this new experience. I've done it in bursts throughout the winter, but we've only rehearsed 4 times with large breaks in between. This is it. May 7th until Labor Day I'll be living this thing, fighting, working, sweating...doing everything I can to ensure that the things in my control are the best they possibly can be. I guess I'm anxious because I haven't felt this way in a while and I want it to work.
It's not anything I can control. I'm an emotional guy, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. There are a lot of things I hope for this season, and I'm determined to make it happen. I just hope that my message reaches the members and they're inspired to work as hard as they can for the same goals. If we do that together, it's going to be one hell of a season.
No comments:
Post a Comment